as much as i want things to go my way

life.

been occupied with exams and credit tests. trying, i guess.

i dont know who to turn to, about matters concerning myself. i couldve just swallowed my pride and tell anyone but i dont seem to have that courage to tell anyone about myself. for fear of judgement, for fear of broken trusts.

i trust, and at times trust is just too superficial. im not a pessimist, neither im optimist (i think)

u know how sometimes, there are decisions youre supposed to make at that very moment, yet you cant do it. you cant make that decision. you think of the consequences of your actions, you have a reminiscent of the past, you remember all those good stuff and bad stuff. and you have mixed feelings over your own decision. you cant decide, you get frustrated and emotionally unstable. the slightest irritating thing will trigger your anger.

been there done that.

being far away and having no choice but to be independent opened my eyes to what life really is. expectations are not met, people fail you, you fail people, and at times life takes your "whats worse?" as a challenge. people make big fuss over such a small thing and you make a big fuss over some spilled coffee because youre  having a bad day.

whats worse? you dont know who to turn to, and you dont know where to find back that happiness you once had. things just go downhill and nothing recovers. nothing good happens. even if there is youll be like, ahh, its going to go away anyway someday.

and i too, after all these sad moments, realise what i want in this life.

im not being arrogant or selfish, neither i am saying that ive found the perfect purpose in this life, but i know one thing, i know what i deserve.

i used to be so stupid.. i took all matters so lightly that on the surface the water really looks calm. i worry too much about other people perception of me, so i let go of my own ego just to save everyone around me. i say sorry too easily that people take my pride for granted.

as time grows, it becomes a habit. and now people seem to expect me to just accept whatever i can get. i definately know, at least a picture, of how life is supposed to be.

im not going to give up on myself just for something thats not even worth it.

with or without, ill learn to be happy