its never enough

nothing is.

im beginning to wonder when will i ever feel happy and contented with what i have, i mean i dont feel emotionally unstable for not having a chauffeur to drive me around in the crazy spring moscow days, but i wonder what would life be like if i had one. something to keep me occupied at 2am in the morning. but thats not the only thing occupying my brain cells right now.

i did something stupid today, i scrolled down my facebook history. year by year, post by post, every single bit of the past flashed past my eye. every year without fail there was something that made me smile, and the saddest part of it is not cos its over, but a part of it consisted of a stranger... curiosity killed the cat (yy).

i no longer ponder about people who dont make the effort to stay in my life but one part of me secretly dies every single time the thought of it comes by.. and all of that memory and experience makes me unhappy, afraid to accept anything or even anyone. i can feel particularly comfortable around some people but theres this fear that makes me withdraw myself from letting anyone step into that very circle that was broken. its not wise i know, to let the past haunt the present..affecting my future. but no matter what it doesn't change the fact and the feeling it carries. some are happy memories but those are the ones that hurts the most..

why..why do we care about people who care the least about us and ignore the people who cares so much about us? i know and i realise who cares alot for me and i know i may seem like i dont give a damn but i do. what can i do? i cant care for someone out of pity, and creating false hope and leading someone into a dead end tunnel. its not my game.

once i care for a person i never stop. i know i cant, no matter how many months, how many years, ill forever remember the feeling that one person made me feel. it may have ended but sometimes i just wish the ending was different..i wish the ending was better.

im afraid of stepping into the same trap again and crying for the same reason again.
im afraid of losing someone i love.
im afraid of being ignored.
im afraid of being used.

and truth to be told, im paranoid of every guy who cares. why cant i read minds.