fighting isnt the right option

I have come to realise only with peace there will be joy. Not really that kind of joy when you go strike a million on a lottery ticket, those kind of bizarre OH MY GOD thing, but those kind of being able to solve things kind of thing.

Not everyone would be perfect but all i know is that the flaws that will drift some people apart, not the good stuffs. Sometimes i cannot stand some facts, but i have to face it someday. I cannot hold on to something for so long. How much longer can i stand it if i just ignore the fact and try to lie to myself..

Trust is something i cannot handle sometimes.

Yes i admit. I have trust issues. I cant even trust myself sometimes. To do it, or not to. Its like having that peanut in my hands, and to either eat it by myself of to drop it to the ground for that poor little hungry chipmunk. I have enjoyed all types of peanut probably in my life, so why cant i just leave it to that poor rodent.

Because im afraid it will come back. It will come back because it thinks i am so nice now. But probably i was just nice at that moment and when you come back its all gone.

I hate saying it but we all live, as one unit in this life. We find our own ways, our own family, our own life. I dont want to do it. I dont want to be by myself, going shopping by myself, going for walks by myself, even going for dinner and lunch, alone?

Probably i do have friends and family to do that but how often can they be there?

As often as they could, so the rest of the time i must be like doing everything by myself. Should i buy this should i buy that. People who knows me knows that i cannot make decision well. I am so afraid of that day when i am left all by myself, alone in this world somewhere. ITS SO TRAUMATIC T.T

Besides, i cant trust some people fully, never did. Even my parents would scam me sometimes. So i keep all my troubles to myself, select some problems that can be shared to be shared, and to be kept as a secret is to be kept like that for that moment.

So what if sometimes you lie, its a white lie. If everyone was so honest nobody will get their first kiss, nobody will get their first love in high school, nobody will get married too, and some girl wont get their nickname bitch. haha.

But lying to your significant other is sometimes unforgivable. sometimes, unless its like for some surprise or something. and also if its something good :) if its something bad, like fei said F OFF. (:

yeah how do you think i got my firsts right.

And i sincerely love those people just randomly calling me and asking me "whats wrong?" or "have you been crying.. voice also change already" or " why so emoooooooooooo?"

(:

Remember, to love is nothing. To be loved is something. To love and to be loved is everything.

im halfway there. halfway.