February

It has always been a competition between April and February  whether i my heart leaps faster when February arrives or when April arrives. i never took the time to realize i loved February more, more than all the months in the year and February had always been the nata to my coco!

one part of a birthday cake ♥

whats the significance? other than taking dinner to a whole new level during chinese new year - valentines and birthdays. im sorry jie, im not talking about your birthday. but before i go any further you might want to know that this isnt a ranting post about life and all but i can definitely guarantee you there's no gold sack at the end of it. so forward forward if you wanna indulge reading my sad post. *grabs tissue box*

FEBRUARY. ohhh...

The cold weather will be slightly less colder, sun rays slightly visible, though its unknown exactly when will winter end its warmer now anyway. by warmer i mean -2, rather than -20. not sure to be thankful im not in malaysia or not. gahh so much uncertainties. getting older i realise nothing in this life is definate, not even the food in my fridge. i thought i had food yesterday and now its gone .___.

what should i start about? vdays or birthday.

Doesn't matter. they both involve the same person years back and engaging in long distance - these days are the only days (okay maybe one of the few) i receive special treatment, special surprises even though being miles away from him. back on the other normal days its just occasional texts and calls but these days are days i receive texts that meant a little more, those kind of texts that make me feel everything me endured for the past 11 months was worth it. i know my expectations of him has always been there, and as many times he advised me to not expect anything my heart still flutters at the thought of him appearing right at my doorstep on vday, dressed in checked red shirt because i love that shirt, and in his hands, roses. impossible but imaginations are what motivates me day by day till the day my fingertips touches reality. till my fingertips meet his.

one of the few times i cried because i was so happy.

hey, any girl expects that on vday. 

guys have always complained that girls have so much expectations of them that its exhausting. i admit some of our fantasies, yes maybe they are too much. i gave so much thoughts to my words, to my expectations after things settled down and no, i don't think they are too much. i don't have to plead for someones attention. if you're a special someone to me, i deserve to be treated like one, and not just a friend. its a two way thing and just me putting the effort..things just wouldn't work out. its probably why things didn't work out. we are on different stands in that. texting is not a form of interaction, and its definitely not a form of effort. how much energy does it take to work your giant fingers on the phone screen and type "hey..:)"

i know every guy thinks texting is a form of effort. if they dont care they wont even text at all.. but relationships are about all that. the beginning would be all glittery and sweet, and the ending would be bitter if along the way youre just going with the flow. someone has to give and take, but if its the same person giving all the time, its exhausting. and that marks the rocky part of the whole sweetest girlfriend/boyfriend ever shit.

prove me wrong, but every girl wants someone who will talk to them about their day, and girls being girls needs someone who will listen to their part of the story too. and as naive as a guy can be, calling your girlfriend just to make her feel happy is probably the simplest effort you can put in a relationship. there are other girls who dont give a damn at all about you but sorry, i do. i care and i will never mind listening about how your day went but its never the topic. its always one sided. and at the end, trying wasn't an option anymore.

and i have no prove that all guys are the same. except if i was lost in a crowd in china, but, there are good souls out there.  

ldr is difficult. it takes two. once one person loosens his/her grip, its the end of everything. things will never be the same and people will drift away. with the distance and just because there's no showing up at your doorstep with an apology and drop dead cute teddy bear kind of thing, the issue will never ever end. never. like a forever ever after thing, but maybe never ever after thing. 

on a brighter note, im thankful. for every moment, for every smile carved, every tears shed..because without all of me&you, i wouldn't be a strong as i am today. i wouldnt know how to stand on my own two feet. i cant deny although so much time has passed im still struggling with that little story and knowing that ive lost someone so important in my life scars me, my guts tells me that ill find someone who will make me feel the same way you do. 

^ wasnt so bad after all?