i want a protective older brother so badly

(refer to title)

I want a protective older brother so badly.
I want someone who will always check on me and scold me when i do something wrong.
I want an older brother who will make sure nothing goes wrong.
I want someone who will care and love me no matter what happens.
I want a brother who can joke with me and talk to me for hours just because im sad and he wants to cheer me up.
I want an older brother who is protective and demands me to listen to him all the time, just because he is worried i fall and make silly mistakes.
I want an older brother who will offer me his shoulders and let me cry because im sad so that i will cry my heart out and be happy again after i cried finish.
I want an older brother who will sing songs for me because i like people singing songs for me when im sad.
I want an older brother who will wipe off my tears and asks me who bullied me this time and offer his help to punch that asshole and skin him alive.
I want an older brother who will pick me up if i fall and still laugh at me but at the same time, wipe off the dirt off my knees.
I want an older brother who i can actually rely on and wont break my heart.
I want an understanding older brother who wont neglect me because he is playing his game, who would actually stop whatever he is doing because im complaining about anything, even small petty matters.
I want an older brother who will tell me "dont worry, this problem, ill solve it for you, your job, is to smile for me."
I want an older brother who loves me more than he loves any of his other friends, and is proud of it.
I want an older brother who will give me daily motivational quotes just to keep me going.
I want an older brother who will actually listen to what i am talking about although its very very boring, even if it is boring, he would just tell me off and start off a new topic.
I want an older brother who actually smiles when he say hi to me, calling me his sister.
I want an older brother who will worry about me when he cannot find me anywhere.
I want an older brother who loves me very very much and will never leave me though i push him away all the time.
I want an older brother who calls me names and argues with me.
I want to share all my secrets with an older brother and i expect him to understand and share his secrets too.
I want to share my love for an older brother with someone =(

Since its too late to ask my mom turn back time and change my elder sister into an elder brother, can someone volunteer to by my older brother?

I miss having heart to heart talk with someone who i can actually rely on. If i had someone who cares for me this much, ill shower him with all my love for an elder brother! Promise.

Depressed.